Top Ten Reasons I am not winning Mother of the Year...

1. I yell at my kids...not that it ever works, mind you. My powers of intimidation are clearly quite limited. While my mother could control my every thought and behavior from across a crowded room with just the tiniest lift of a Mr. Spock-like eyebrow. I could fall to the floor in screaming convulsions and my kids would most likely just ask for something to drink or ask me when dinner is.

2. I don't play with them enough...whether it is endless hours of Lego fun or the pretending to buy items in whichever "Store" is being run by one of my blonde-headed offspring/shopkeepers, my eyes tend to glaze over rather quickly and I mostly daydream about taking a nap. And forget about monopoly...

3. I spoil them...I spend hours researching the things they are into, finding that one, last, elusive thingy that will complete their collection of whatever it is and I fall for the buying of sparkly girlie shoes just about every time I walk into Target.

4. I occasionally let them eat junk food...God love all of you "my kids have never eaten fast food, I only buy organic" moms out there...really if you can get you kids to snack on only high fiber bran muffins, organic celery sticks and tasty cubes of soymilk-marinated tofu cubes than more power to you, girl. My kids have been know to eat Poptarts, Lucky Charms cereal, Mcdonald's french fries, Kraft Mac and Cheese, Oreo's and a cornucopia of nonorganic sugar infested food product. I do draw the line at ice cream for breakfast, lunch and dinner and I do know that fruit snacks contain no actual fruit.

5. I don't get enough sleep and am grumpy alot!...It is hard to float around the house humming Mary Poppins tunes and winking at the cartoon bluebirds on 4 hours sleep for the 458th night in a row.

6. I let them watch too much TV...Thanks to the magical wonders of TIVO, I succumb far too often to the tantalizing lure of the electronic babysitter. Shame on me. I recall when my oldest was born that I told someone that my kids would only watch 1/2 hour of tv a day, 'cause TV rots your brain right...perhaps that was also insomnia induced lunacy.

7. I don't read to them enough...Another figment of my premotherhood fantasy land, is where I would read to my enraptured children every evening, from a large leather bound book using 17 different voices and lilting, lyrical phrasing. Seriously now folks, after 1473 times how excited can you get about..."not in a box, not with a fox"...

8. I frequently criticize them...Most of my criticisms begin with..."What were you thinking when you..." emptied and entire bottle of baby powder all over the house, ate an entire bag of marshmallows or ran naked here, there and everywhere. I guess I just have unrealistic expectations.

9. Martha Stewart I am not...I hate to iron, I can barely cook, and I have a free-ranging colony of dust bunnies living under various pieces of my furniture.

10. I force my kids to wear ridiculous things and take their pictures...think chicken, tossed salad, lobster and goldfish cracker. What can I say? Although it looks more like a grocery list than a list of Halloween costumes!

• I love them a ton though and really isn't that what really matters?...that and the Poptarts, right?